Boardroom Influence, but at Home
12/29/24
Problem Solving Strategy
Apparently problem-solving is important for love nowadays, so here it is.
I always thought it was to be the other way around, but I have a tendency to think backwards.
Please remember, there is a very fine line between influence and manipulation. And if you believe you will never accidentally manipulate someone with such communication skills, then you will most likely end up manipulating, not helping others. Please take care…
With any technique or perspective, it’s a crucial prerequisite to deal with moral pitfalls and nuances that come with living with humans and using such influence techniques.
On to it!
There will always be problem solving in relationships. Challenges will be present even if there’s “no conflict,” or contradiction. This is the beauty of relationships to me.
We were never really given the communication techniques to solve problems collaboratively, compassionately and organically until maybe in our later professional training. And even then...
If you want to be in a relationship, any relationship, you can never predict, as careful as you may be, the challenges you’ll face.
This is why it’s just as important to resolve any challenges together, not only to learn relaxation techniques or grammar rules.
So, how to solve any problem before they turn into fights? That’s a tricky one with how diverse “any” can be…
First, to repeat is your attitude to the challenge. It’s always worth it for the growth. No challenge is “ugh.” This is what Jiddu Krishnamurti and Bruce Li both mean when they say “the problem is the problem.”
It’s not the challenge that’s a challenge, but your evaluation of how unacceptable such strife is for you at any given moment, that is more than half the challenge.
Second, you must have faith there’s a solution, and that you will solve it, not via Supreme being via first-class priority miracle.
You don’t need to learn psychology or rocket science to have faith you will solve any problem, just focused and persistent attention.
This is the real, “the secret.” That anything can be solved or manifested through love and devotion, if it’s pure. And as long as it has to do with other humans.
Here’s how we think at home - If you have the right to follow your dreams even though there’s a .01% chance of success, then make the solution to your relationship challenge one of your ambitions. You’ll realize that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, and how little mind we put into the challenges of our relationship.
Boom, now you can put your “I can do anything” energy towards building love, a resource that adds to your capabilities. Win-win-win and then some, no?
If you believe you can do anything you put your mind to, then logically, the only reason you haven’t solved the problem in a way that both partners are happy with, is because this particular solution is not as worthy as you chasing your dreams, a pursuit of desires that may go away one day.
True love, for an idea, purpose, or person stays and builds, at least for my wife and I at home.
Without these two mindsets, or perspectives, you don’t have a shot at a relationship, let alone solving problems.
Your ability to use lateral thinking (inductive thinking), improvisation (deductive thinking), or recall past solutions (rote memory) to solve problems will be severely curtailed, and the energy behind them will fizzle away with your confidence.
And unfortunately, so will your patience to deal with the problems of trying to love another human being. Then, it’s just a short fuse to the fireworks…
I’d try these two before fighting, what could it hurt, right?
Design Think Basics (How to brainstorm - all stolen from business)
Criteria for Success.
Make clear what the challenge is, without judgment and without making the problem “I feel this, now you fix it.” Do not expect your partner to defend themselves or be your therapist.
It must be clear what is missing or inappropriate, what needs to be solved for together as a team. This way, you know what the solution looks like. One of innovation and problem solving, not dominance.
It must be clear it is an “us vs. it” problem, not a you vs. me, problem. If I ever admit a challenge is due to my lack of growth, it’s still an it problem, not a me problem. Toby, my monkey brain, has his own mind and integrity to defend.
This is easier if you do not moonlight as the morality police.
Make clear the criteria for success and make it as clear simple and small as possible and acceptable for you.
“It would work for me if we were to simply…”
I don’t try to solve anything without knowing this one critical step, whether at work, with my wife, my parents, nephews, my boss, work colleagues, anything or anyone. I could easily do more harm than good if I was not clear what exactly needs to get done, no?
It sounds silly and clinical, but with practice, it becomes obvious and natural to always do at the speed of life. In other words, it’ll be seamless to learn, and seamless to do. It’ll just feel like Love.
But before you even start brainstorming, here are more prerequisites to even coming up with a half-decent solution without simply taking someone’s word for it.
Psychological safety.
Threat limits our ability to think critically and creatively. (Remember the amygdala…cuz of that) So, you need zero threats to brainstormers, which includes your lover during a tough conversation.
Time.
A solution or something innovative is like baking a cake, it needs time and there is no way to possibly shortcut it. If your boss says you have to tell me now a pitch we can bring to our investors. Would your immediate response be better than if you had weeks or months?
If you want to escape the zero-sum game trap, you need patience. There’s no way around it. Don’t ever expect a solution even within a week. Tell your partner the challenge, just to share it. Not to solve it right then and there.
Don’t be insane.
Take the time to study the challenge. Poke and prod like you’re a doctor. Ask yourself at least a couple of questions, especially if your partner is coming to you. But also ask your partner of their thought patterns when coming to them.
Such as “Does it happen often?
Would you feel the same if I were to..?
Are there times that it doesn’t bother you?”
I find that we as society are way more curious about political, entertainment and financial matters than what is driving a wedge between you and those that you are trying to love.
Maybe we can apply that drive to learning more about our partner, yes?
When did money and law become cooler than consensual sex?
You’ll find as you study the problem, any problem, that with the right questions, your partner will start to feel heard.
See the light in the eyes, and then use it to warm you and fuel you as you tackle this challenge.
It’ll make you feel like a hero every time.
The actual solving…
Progress is always good enough, look for minimums. We never think of it at the time, but progress to a solution will provide just as much dopamine (oxytocin, PEA, whatever you need you druggie) as a complete solution would.
Why? It’s progress, not the completeness, towards a goal that is the neurological trigger for feel good chemicals, not the ultimate destination. Progress, the ultimate aphrodisiac. Yours for free, if you were to just give up your old fart of a CEO…I mean personality, that cannot seem to keep up with the times but just needs to feel important and waste everyone’s time.
Focus on the what, not the how.
Whatever the ask, there’s always a plethora of different ways to deliver what the “requester,” (hopefully not plaintiff), well, requests. For example, an argument regarding how Monday Night Football can be solved by filling the gap that watching too much football caused. You can be more present and inclusive to those around. You can watch the games differently, or maybe do more when you’re not watching the game. So many options…
(this goes back to how pliable our Mode of Operating or Ideal beliefs can be to solve a shared challenge)
People are very good at knowing what they don’t want, but not very good at knowing what they want until they’ve tried or tasted it.
This is a common problem for marketers or product innovators.
“What is it that you want?” // “Idk.”
“Do you want this?” // “Nahh.”
“Do you want this?” // “ Naah.”
“What is it that you want? ” // “Idk.”
“Why are you here?” // “Because I want something, duh. Stop asking me dumb questions”
Trust me, it’s frustrating for marketers and lovers alike.
In a fight, it may sound like they need more sex, more effort, more something. But, with the right questions, you’ll learn it is never that. It is that they do not want to feel something or do not want to feel something.
My wife did not necessarily need me to text her more. She just did not want to feel lonely or insecure. We solved that, not with me texting more, but a couple of other habits I created to make her feel secure that better suited me, that I actually enjoyed doing.
Now imagine if we were to break up because of texting, when it did not need to be solved by texting more.
It would feel kind of tragic, no?
The best way to solve any problem is to keep iterating and improvising with good ideas and to never to give up.
Everything we know, discovered, created, was due to this method.
We just cover it up using big words, techniques, labs, theorists, and these-ists, and those-ists,
but it’s just the fact that they put in the time and went through the options.
This is how all innovation is done if not done by accident.
Everything else, is just improvisation in disguise, you see?
The challenge is we let obstacles like fights and insecurities get in the way. It’s best to use a substraction perspective, rather than an addition perspective, regarding problem-solving for relationships.
(There’s an ancient perspective, surrounding the form named Shiva,
Who teaches us that we have everything we need to do anything,
we just need to get all the bullshit out of the way)
Don’t take your preferences too seriously, especially if you are looking to solve a problem.
One, the solution does not give a fuxk about your opinions, preferences, and biases, understand?
Also, if you build around your preferences, you’ll regret it when you realize how much they change as you grow, develop and evolve.
I hated writing and reading. But, it’s impossible to predict your future happiness using Naives-Bayes classification models and cluster analytics.
(Which is what we do now via social media scientists even though it doesn’t make sense. Why does this happen so prevalently? It’s too unfortunate an answer.)
You’ll be magically surprised how many things get solved if one were to adopt new preferences without being too scared to crack their fake (by definition) personality.
It’s impossible to solve a problem,
without having nice things hanging on you,
if you are a person who enjoys
having nice things hanging on you, do you see?
Same goes with travel, ambition, passions, paths,
what have you. Things given to us
just so we can pay for them.
In Vedic Mythology, the folklore hero Rama believed “I have my Sita waiting for me, so that’s enough.”
And his love Sita believed, “I have my Rama coming to me, so that’s enough.”
Solutions were abound for them. This Vedic concept, as others, provide a much more productive abundance mindset.
This is why the world was at their fingertips.
This was their power to “solve any problem that came in their way.”
To manifest strength, devoted followers, and miracles.
Because all they needed was each other and nothing else.
What would happen if it were the same for you and another?
12/29/24
Negotiation
Negotiation and sales can be your friend, if you can successfully hold your own in the arena of business and power.
Similar to how challenges or disagreements are inevitable in a relationship, so is your need to negotiate.
One reason we do not consider negotiation in relationship is because of expectations.
If you have expectations, that means you are owed something.
If you are owed something, it would only be proper
to fight for what is rightfully yours as if Universe has your back
and never to have a proper discussion,
or it was not rightfully yours in the first place.
This is why we never talk, discuss, negotiate,
play with the illuminating demands of our inner childs…
But if you don’t have expectations, everything will become a negotiation, a trade, because you would not think you inherently deserve it, you see?
And with this perspective, you will learn to make your words powerful.
Only then can you remove yourself of expectations, the prerequisite of freedom for your partner.
But I got you, here’s what they won’t teach you about negotiating in any realm…
Most of the work is done outside the actual negotiation.
Always give up what you are willing to lose for what you are not willing to lose.
Keep your offers as valuable as possible.
It’s not a battle. The negotiation is cooperative, yet a competitive problem-solving. You win more when everyone wins instead of you, especially when it is because of your negotiation and not theirs.
Consider future negotiations when having this one. Always. This is how successful business leaders “play chess” when everyone else “plays checkers”.
Save your negotiations for needs, not desires.
You can stack up IOUs, but they only work if you don’t speak to them. We always miss this.
They must always end in accord or celebration, or has not yet ended, just paused.
Speak for their interests, more than you speak about yours.
You should be asking more questions than providing declarative sentences. The more questions, the more leverage, or negotiating power. Because information is the resource that wins negotiating, not expensive suits and strong words as you see on TV. As Harvey Spectre would say on suits, “Wear expensive suits not TO win, but BECAUSE you win.” If it is worth anything, I think Rama, our folk hero, would agree.
The less you talk, the more you gain.
Do not bother negotiating without trust or integrity. If you lost it, you already out. You have to start over from the beginning.
Call out and center around what you agree on. Sometimes, you’ll need to recenter. CEOs do this without letting you now.
It should never bring up past behaviors.
You’re allowed to have fun with it instead of only using angry confrontation. Just clue your partner in as you do it. A smirk, a goofy pose, an inside joke will do.
You have to be able to recite your partner’s challenges and initial wishes back to them, at any point in time, even as they change, if you want to be somewhat competent at the table.
Breaks, pauses, and humor are very beneficial, and are encouraged.
Inside voices only, once you raise your voice, you are no longer negotiating, you are now fighting and entered the realm of violence and attacks.
Depending on severity and your past manipulation history, seduction is fair game. Be adorable, bat your eyes, flash that charming smile, just don’t be gross about it.
Be as factual as possible, no exagerations or extremes. Don’t put energy in arguing the facts, just use them as they are for the current negotiation. If someone thought the world is flat, and I wanted something from them, I wouldn’t care about to argue about physics. A good negotiator will still get what they need and have everyone win, facts aside.
It must be that you want A, but can settle with B or C. You must be prepared with avenues of accord for it to be a negotiation. If it’s an ultimatum, it’s no longer a negotiation. This is why we don’t negotiate with terrorists. They’re the ones that started it with the or else, yk?
You must consider and understand costs to your partner in them giving up what you’re asking for. If they feel like it’s a sacrifice, surrender, or a cost, you must not ignore this.
Try these on and see how they work. It’ll get you ahead of most business negotiations, let alone at home.
I’ll say this again and again, these techniques can be very powerful if they do work for you.
I try to only share what’s mutually beneficial to everyone, but it’s easy for a narcissist to take advantage of others using these techniques.
When you learn influence techniques, beware of yourself first, then look out for the others.
Sales!
The reason you fight is because you were not able to influence a behavior change. Admit it.
You’re in luck, this is the number one job of sales. Not to go on cool outings with cool people and cool food and things.
They just have to bring it up because they hate their lives. Because it’s sales, you’re like, supposed to hate it…
As partners we should not be trying to convince our partners to love us.
Nor should we be convincing them of behavior change.
You should be selling both!
But, very much in a non-prostitute type of way.
If you are with a partner, you know sales. You just don’t know it.
You know how to communicate a products value (you or your affection) and cause a behavior change in which beneficial (dating or marrying you).
This “sale,” selling your time, effort and attention for your that of your partner’s is easier than seeking a potential behavior change because the former is more common than the latter.
In other words, the sale you need to make for one of their base desires or needs, that fails and ends up in a fight, is a lot less popular to lovers than just initially dating you. Why? Tits, beards, muscles, and booties.
The sale of “you need to…” or “I should not have to…” is like selling a niche product, it takes more “selling” than other things.
So here’s what you need to do.
You need to accentuate, nurture and build desire for the product, in this case, their desire for whatever new direction or behavior you want to introduce. You need to sell to them the right way to squeeze toothpaste, as my wife calmly and collectively did.
You do that by showing what customers or your partner stand to prevent or gain, without being annoying about it. It is best that you show them, not even tell them.
In many fights, I see a focus on what’s needed (the price, yuck), rather of what is to, or can be gained (status, love, self-love). So you would need switch your “you need to stop doing that” to “imagine how I’ll be if I have this or don’t have this, we can finally…”
My wife would never say I need a castle, she says “How do you think I would look in a castle?” Bless the heavens for my Rati’s patience.
It takes a king to have a castle. And a wizards tower, of course. Brewing takes time…
Their benefit. Their benefit. Their benefit. That’s sales.
It worked for you when you were being all sexy and stuff.
Then they got some goods.
But now, you need another sale.
So, you need to provide them with more “potential benefits.”
It’s sales, not morality.
Instead of “it’ll mean a lot if…” take the approach of “if we…then this will happen.”
When you’re thinking about benefits to your partner, it’s helpful to remember that if you’re connected enough, any benefit to you is a benefit to them. You just need to be showing it explicitly outside of the negotiation, argument, or sale.
What if you stack the benefits so high that it’s obvious they’ll be better off, but they’re not budging and you’re feeling the heat come on.
One, no sale closes on the first pitch, especially in relationships. Take the time.
Two, the amount of benefit is dependent on how beneficial they value it, not how you value these benefits.
Entrepreneurs learn this lesson, very painfully, every single time.
A partner saying “I just don’t get it why they’re not listening…”
is the same as a CEO saying
“I just don’t get why our customers aren’t
buying our products with all the cool perks and add-ons”
The only answer is the difference in value you perceive
versus the perceived value of your customer, prospect or partner.
What if they’re not willing to give something up even if it’s better for them that they do. (Horders!)
In this case, you need to address their concerns on what they could be losing, and help them with their cost benefit analysis from their perspective. You do this, by not telling the cost benefit, but showing them slowly. Or, you can watch the show Horders and see how the pros do it.
Many times, they’re deeply distracted, bad day, big project, stress, fear, existential crisis x 2.
This requires time, simplicity, persistence, and support to help them thinking clearly through the decision, just for them to decide in hopes of a yes, not even to definitely get a yes.
Sales 101
The idea is if you are in sales, you are supposed to expect resistance. It’s a sign of the consumer responsibility necessary for your success.
It’s weird when they’re like, “Sure, here’s $1M, we don’t even need to see the product...” Please put any sales rep that brings this to your table on a PIP.
It never works out for anyone, you see? Red flags go up for any experienced salesperson. Even Dwight Shrute would hesitate.
So, as a salesperson, you’re expected to draw out their concerns and systematically debunk any false perspectives or add new productive ones to overcome them. It’s called objection-handling and every business does it. It’s not manipulation. It just feels manipulative when you realize how little everyone knows in the way of helping others.
Build desire by focusing on their gain. Stack in and out of the pitch. But subtly and gently.
Make it so it’s obviously better for them. And when it is, still give them the time. It has to be obvious to them, not you.
Deal with the objections with trust and integrity. Be helpful and compassionate.
Also, it will help your influence, as well as help you to not be a manipulative toxic a**hole.
Some more tips…
The more they talk, the more suggestive they become.
The better you know their needs and desires, the better you’ll sell automatically
Like negotiation and psych safety, the sale happens outside of the pitch
It’s your ask, but it’s really for their benefit. It always is. If not, don’t sell it you fuxk.
A higher vibration means more receptibility, which means more suggestivity (sp?)
It’s not a problem, but an exciting opportunity for both partners, always. This is true inside and outside of sales and negotiation.
Sequence answers you know they will say yes to. This is a common advertising technique used today. Make them say “Hm, yes. Hm, yes. Hm, actually yes. Hm, yes!” Its only the last question that matters, but the first three gets them suggestive. It’s kind of disgusting, but it’s the safest way for humans to connect. Think about how you and your partner first met eachother. But, still very effective. It works like, “do you remember that time, do you still think, wouldn’t it be fun if, should we < the ask”
You miss one sentence from them, and it can cost you the sale. Be a good listener. Listening is as much influence as it is empathy and EQ. Whatever my Rati tells you, that’s why I’m a good listener. Just kidding, she would agree with me.
Always be building scarcity. They won’t find what you’re offering, and you’re not going to offer this sale forever. Women know this well. Men think we know, but we just flounder and pretend until the money we throw at women runs out.
Make it an ongoing conversation than a one time pitch, or only when you fight. Imagine the best sales pitch you ever told, then stretch it out a few remarks at a time, over the course of months. It’s called lead nurturing and managing your sales cycle in business.
Review and evaluate every word you use, as you use them. Every word counts in sales. One wrong word, and bust.
You’ll never need to sell or negotiate if you build enough trust. So trust is, you know, kinda mega important.
You can throw away all these communication techniques with trust, integrity and unconditional love.
You wouldn’t even need to talk honestly. Just play your hearts away.
But society wants words, so words we shall give them, my Rati!
