Anger Retardant

12/29/24

Anger. 

What is it that you at the least need to know?

When we fight, anger, frustration, or irritation is present, or at least a “trigger” is present, no?

Here’s a perspective, then.

Anger, on any spectrum of severity, comes with a rejection of present or future circumstance. This is of upmost importance. 

We reject circumstances only if we find it unfavorable to the integrity of the reality we are trying to hold, or is detrimental to this integrity.

A scenario in reality can only be detrimental if it takes something from you, whether it be safety, an expected result in the future, or an expected behavior towards you.

So, the only reason you get angry or irritated is if something is or may be taken away from you or you are at a deficit of some kind. 

This is important to understand, because of what’s next.

Then, logically speaking, it’s impossible to be both frustrated and grateful at the same time, they are polar opposites. They are mutually exclusive.

99% of my irritation and frustration stem or result in my direct lack of gratitude. The other 1%, hero complex. 🤦🏽‍♂️🙈 But you need to be as smart as Hanuman actually was, the best of all Brahmanas in the entire world at the time, to actually be a hero. So I don’t have a single excuse…

If I was grateful, I would be an emotional or spiritual surplus (not in lack), an thus have no reason to get irritated to get back what I lost, understand?

No one yells after receiving a gift they’re truly grateful for. What happens when someone you love messes up after giving you the gift of your dreams, do you still yell?

Somehow, our gifts turn rotten just after a few moments, even though I don’t think they truly depreciate. Sometimes, I think it is just our nose. Until, I remember that it is every time. 

My Guru reminds me without words. I find many online and in person do not.

The idea is not to just shut up and be grateful. It’s this:

As soon as you get just a tad irritated, you are no longer thinking as your “natural” self, the one that is always grateful. It’s helpful to see yourself on recreational drugs when you are even slightly irritated so you can better understand just how mentally incapacitated one is in that state of mind. 

There’s no difference to you being angry, and someone that is on drugs. Many people find a tough time admitting this, due to the difficulty of admitting your a drug addict, you see?

Because, you’re no longer in control, but in an angry, chaotic tantrum where you must take to be whole. 

When you get irritated, you will always find that you could be more grateful for your opponent rather than needing to break them down and dominate them through emotional manipulation via your words. See my post on “anger and violence” to dig deeper.

It may even help you to be grateful that you have someone there to listen to you at all. Because they could be gone tomorrow. Though in many fights, that is what we claim, to walk out and never think of them again, no? Or force them to change, which means, something about them must be gone tomorrow, no? I also find it interesting how some defend their own personalities and wholeness so thoroughly as they valiantly strip someone else’s down, in the name of love.

When you make this mindset shift successfully, you will find yourself upset and “in need” rather than righteously angry. 

And this will make all the difference in your life, in any scenario.

When this happens, you will actually have a chance to solve this problem non-violently, in the complete sense, the Brahmana sense. Also, your communication will come with an heir of request, instead of a command, which is way more influential than an attack.

Gratitude will help you realize that nothing needs to be fixed or solved, but instead something could just be improved for everyone. That innovation is in order, not punishment.

Once you see this, the fire extinguishes itself, for exactly this reason.

~~~~~~~

What can we do then, to really take advantage of this fact.

If you build your own inherent gratitude, it could eliminate any and all “bickering.” Except the fun kind, obviously.

If fighting is a problem, gratitude for you and your partner is the best medicine I can think of outside of resolving conflicting beliefs between and inside of each other. 

I don’t trust current gratitude methods as they rely on practice, like morning journaling, and are inefficient in integrating such feelings into the rest of your life.

Here are some gratitude practices that you would have trouble finding online now:

Saying thank you for every little thing your partner does

that is of benefit to you, even if it’s also a benefit to them as well.

This will include dishes, turning off the lights, making the bed,

closing the garage, coming with you on an errand.

If you’re living together, it should happen at least 10-20 times.

At least 5-10 just on a date. Even if it’s getting a round of drinks for both,

or them simply turning off the T.V.

These are all acts that you did not perform, but gained a benefit from.

If you do not start here, such a foundation

will not be present when the anger is burning everything in sight.

No amount of gratitude communicated is excessive if it’s genuine. That’s a fact.

Taking at least 5-10 seconds basking in gratitude for your partner for something specific.

So, don’t say thank you and fly. Say thank you and revel. Then move on.

If your do the things for you, then nurture it, love it, with your full attention.

Even if it’s just dressing up. No words are necessary,

understand this is a you vs. you game.

This is “shadow work” because no one can know.

Brag to and about your partner about your shared accomplishments, the things your love protects you from. As humans, and by design, we center our relationships on what’s missing, not what it is that we already have.

For example, my Rati and I always brag that couples fight on vacations, or stay arms length (as someone said, “our wives keep us at Covid Distance...) And that we don’t.

It helps us be grateful for what we built. Fire-retardant, you see?

When you are slightly irritated, give, give, give unconditionally. It will belittle the feeling of internal deficit that you have. Once you have successfully unconditionally offered,

that deficit will go away if done almost instantaneously.

You’ll see how much power you have over your fire.

Control, no.

Power, influence and subconscious coercion, yes.

Help eachother grow inherently for automatic, organic gratitude points that work on the subconscious level. Easy money.

It’s important to know, it does not take two to implement this for your success. If you do the work alone as if a devoted student, like Arjuna in the Mahabharata, avatar of Indra, king of kings, it’s magical what will change around you. You’ll understand the power we as humans had all along.

When you can understand anger and gratitude in this way, your behavior will change subconsciously (remember our discussion on values and beliefs) and it will positively rub off on others, making them feel more secure, energetic and free.

Simply because you give them this, they will pay it forward with more interest than you can handle, because human psychology. Adam Grant uses science to “prove” this. He could have just read the Ramayana and learned of Vedic Philosophy and leadership practices.

And when I asked my CEO how to change a company’s culture as an army of one, he said

“embody your principles so hard, with bulletproof integrity, that they cannot ignore the results.”

When you can start managing your anger without lackluster breathing techniques, even with a small modicum of success, (which is a world of difference to those who are not as well trained), your partner, no matter how they think, will want a taste of this power.

This is what they mean when they say that virtue attracts virtue. That good karma brings good results. 

Also, fighting must snowball to gain heat. So without the initial sparks of your irritation, frustration, or violated beliefs, their anger will remain a simmer at most, providing both partners a lot more clarity, compassion and critical thinking during such a conversation.

I believe with just these few concepts, you will definitely see a change in your partner if you are skilled enough in your communication strategy and techniques (like playing chess with .02 seconds to move). 

Virtue is contagious and humans still haven't found the vaccine.

And with this type of virtue, even ego cannot hold up for long. 

It was taught in the Mahabharata that gratitude

is how to take narcissists, with their heavy egos, down.

I wonder if you are willing to test it for yourself?

It may take a couple of tries, but the results they claim

are, by definition, illuminating, even enlightening.

Loving in Slices

Below is another perspective on anger, in actuality inherited to me by Jiddu Krishnamurti.

So we know anger only comes with a rejection of something, behavior, circumstance, etc.

So when we are angry at our partner, we are rejecting our partner’s behavior, decision, desires, mindset, etc.

When you think about it enough, we also rejecting the parts of them (the part of the brain),

that caused the reproachable circumstances or behavior.

So we love them, but don’t love

the parts of them that we do not accept. 

“I love them. I just don’t love it when they…”

The “it” in that sentence shouldn’t be ignored.

It refers to your partner, but in a very sneaky way. 

“I love them, I just don’t love them when they…”

So when we’re angry, it confirms to us that we only like our partner in slices, so by definition, only sometimes.

And like a chef prepping ingredients, we take a person, inspect them, and keep the parts of them we like, and slice off the parts we don’t like. Then, we try to dispose of such unwanted parts (of them) as soon as possible. Many told me this is indeed the right way to love.

The problem for me, is…

As humans, when we want someone to love us, even if it’s ourselves, for who we are wholly, completely, 100%-ly, with all undesirable specks.

Not just to love the parts of us favorable to others, or to society.

As Jiddu Krishnamurti would ask, if you only love certain parts of the thing, would you consider that love, or your own projections of what you want to love.

When you see this, you automatically, due to organic compassion, will seek to say “I love them. I even love them when they…”

This also will remove the heat from any fight, and will feel like a contagious virtue.

The Sparks of Expectations

Another perspective to cool down irritation regards our expectations.

Many times, we get angry because we did not get something we expected or deserve, some peace, some help, this emotion, that action.

My challenge is, on what basis can you defend, as you are yelling and fighting, what you should expect or deserve? Are we going to use social media, our friends, our parents as the ones that bestow these privileges and restrictions?

The basic rights and privileges we “enjoy” now in the West were decided by Catholic priests, Anglo-saxon kings, and Western-European men in parliaments, all trying to set up the male, religiously-driven, patriarchy that we want to dismantle in today’s “secular” society, slowly fragmenting in cults all over the globe. 

The problem is, if they are the source of your privilege,

the defense or bestower of the expectations you put on your lover,

then you must accept ALL of their guidelines. 

In other words, if society tells you

what you should expect in a relationship

you also have to listen to their every word

like you’re their little prison bitchboy.

It’s only logical and fair.

My wife and I decided that we would not let others set the guidelines of our relationship. Our privileges should only come from each other, as gifts to each other. We also know we are not all-knowing.

With these two perspectives, the only way for us to proceed is to “wing it,” which by definition means having no confirmed expectations of each other. It helps to join your local improv group! Michael Scott did, and look at him.

The idea is not to give up everything (you’re not there yet - not even close).

But with expectation, comes the implication that something is owed to you.

So, you don’t have to seek it, work for it, or that you already put in the work already.

Without expectations, you’re forced to constantly work and take accountability to get what you want in life. It forces you to build skills and habits to ensure you always have what you need. It forces you to say, if I want them to be more grateful, there must be something I can do.” Only then can you find the real answer, “to be more grateful yourself and of yourself.”

 This way, you don’t need to resort to anger,

fighting, and arguing over

who has more privilege any any given time.

It’s exhausting for everyone involved,

even for those around you, looking up at you.